Nanny's diary

Tomorrow will be my very first time becoming a nanny.

I'm watching Rapunzel like FINALLY!!!!!!! I will be bringing my two cousins along.. I can't even believe what I'm saying.. This week is so tough..and long.. You can't imagine how hard and exhausted was it. Having two days which classes end that 8pm. You just can't cope with it. Not say can't..but it's just..suck away your energy.. physically you are there. mentally you want to be there.. but just.. it's hard. ALso not forgetting the 2000 words MA assignment which I did within like.. 3 or 4 days time. MY brain was tortured.. poor brain..

You know what?

I actually wish to do photo shoot. :) Is it too random? lol I actually wish to have some potraits of myself. I always.. always envy art. I like to think that nothing comes before art in this world.. Now you question me then why didn't I take Art for studies and making a living with it? I can just tell you.. sometimes things are not as well planned and smooth as it goes.. But I really wish to be able to hold on to what I choose to believe that, one day, this day, this side of me will be able to proudly acknowledged. I also choose to believe that what I learn now will give me and my parents a comfortable and nice living while I will still be able to do designs and Arts that I love.

I guess this is just some simple dream that gives me light while I'm very very tired and lost. I'm very afraid when I'm lost.. WHich nowadays I happen to be lost quite frequently but not when I'm buried with those works and studies..


I have strong or you call it DIFFERENT mind that I look in detail of even people that I don't know and things that are SO random that no one on earth is free enough to take a second and think about it, so called nonsense? But I do. I think for them.

You know when everyone is this world, is being HYPNOTIZED by those Korean marketing and advertising power.. I, on the other hand, paused and felt the pain of those celebrities for being used so thoroughly yet helplessly. When everyone stares at the Korean boyband or girl groups posters and pictures that are soooo perfect and angelic, I followed suit, BUT I turned around and think..

They have god only knows how many fans in the universe. but in reality, how much exactly they might earn? The entertainment companies are in reality so exploiting and SMART. Their artists might be working under untellable hardships, yet, no one will know. No one CAN know.

You know what's the Most painful thing I have?

That I always imagine and dream how it will be if I have chosen to study designs those days after my SPM when my mom asked me what I want to study despite so many years have gone.. You might think it is an easy answer and question my foolishness of not choosing it then.. Yeah.. I didn't know what had happened too back then.. Who on earth knows exactly how this feels other than me?


I don't know how to say it, but I just can't accept the fact that I will only be able to imagine it for the rest of my life..I can't bare even the thought of it that I can't do what I love in life... I love it too much that I break down so hard every time when I feel that I need to put that side of me to rest. Thus, I give myself the hope that I will not let go.. I know I will do it.. At least that's what i'm telling myself.. I will hang on here.. I need to.. and I will keep in mind and make sure that I will make it happen.. that I will ensure Arts to be part of my life..

IT might sound funny now because it has yet happened..
But it will not be, when it has happened..

By the way, you know what's the worst part?

When people say : We will only be good in doing things that we like..

I fail to look up every time when I heard this sentence. There is too much guilt and pain for me to handle. Sad right.

I know how clearly no one will truly understand and can help me because it's my life and of course, no one will dare to create your life for you right? I understand..



Hope I feel happier everyday.. Too sad ain't I? :)



Loves, S.